Allow Me to Introduce Myself
December 6, 2022
Hi, my name’s Nicole, and I’m an Outreachy intern in the December 2022 cohort. I’m glad you’re here, because what’s the use of writing without an audience? I’ve been told that I need to say a few words about myself, so here they are: a few words about myself.
Hah. That was a joke. Sorry, I’m nervous. I’ll get started now.
I started studying programming seriously near the end of 2021. I was 41 then and I’m 42 now, which means that I’m considerably older than the average junior programmer, but I’d like to think that I’ve managed to learn some things in that time. Here are a few of them:
When I was younger, I was preoccupied with position and status. I wanted to be the best and the smartest, and was obsessed with measuring where I stood in relation to other people. I would get frustrated and upset when I felt like I wasn’t achieving my goals. The thought of failure, of not being “good enough,” terrified me.
Other people terrified me, too. They could be selfish and cruel and would do things that I didn’t like, or that interfered with my plans. As you might expect, I was often frustrated and upset, and worried and stressed and frightened.
And I still am, a lot of the time. Isn’t everyone? But as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that all of this worry and stress and fear never did me any good.
It’s easy to fixate on things that are fundamentally out of our control, or to lay blame on others for the crime of being exactly the same as ourselves: frightened, insecure, messy and human.
There’s nothing we can do about that; by worrying about it or getting upset, we only make ourselves more and more unhappy. And when our unhappiness leads us to pull away, to hide inside ourselves and reject each other, as I did for many years, we’re only making the world a little colder and more miserable.
I’m still a frightened, insecure and messy person. But I'm trying to be the best version of myself, and to me that means going into every situation with a spirit of kindness, curiosity, and gratitude.
Have you seen the film Everything Everywhere All At Once?
I loved it. It was brilliant and insane, a chaotic whirlwind of a movie, and there within the maelstrom I saw my own philosophy presented on the big screen in a beautiful and touching way: that in a world that often seems bizarre and pointless, that’s filled with difficult people and constant struggle punctuated by random, terrible events, the best thing that any of us can do is to treat each other with kindness and compassion, even when — and perhaps especially when — we’re frightened and don’t understand what’s going on.
I'll repeat that, because I think it's very important: the best thing that any of us can do is to treat each other with kindness and compassion.
To approach each other with understanding and open minds and hearts; to look at things with gentle curiosity; to search for the reasons why people do what they do without rejecting them for not doing what we would have done — this is what is important to me.
It's also important to recognize the good things in our lives, the simple kindnesses of others, and maintain a grateful spirit for what we’ve got — for we’re guaranteed absolutely nothing in this world except a small amount of time in it. I am convinced that gratitude is the key to peace and lasting happiness.
My mother once told me that life was not a series of tests that you took to prove your worth. It was difficult for me to wrap my head around her words, because that was exactly how I saw my life and how I approached everything that came my way: as a test of my ability or a chance to prove myself. If I failed, I had no worth. It was as simple as that.
Life isn’t a series of tests. Life is an opportunity, a brief moment in which we can reach out to, connect with and help others. We are all worthy and we are all in this together.
I applied to Outreachy because I saw it as an opportunity — an opportunity that I am grateful for. The world of open source is filled with generous people: generous with their time, their knowledge, and their support. It’s the same spirit — that of generosity, openness and helpfulness — that motives me, and I’m proud to be part of this community.